the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
a search helicopter?!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
