Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Randomize
