Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize