do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
