Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
