Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
