Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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