if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
