I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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