the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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