You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
