i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
