I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
