Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
