I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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