My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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