Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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