fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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