Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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