I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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