a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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