just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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