My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
