i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
