did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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