If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
