New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
