He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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