Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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