I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
ugly people sure do ruin things
worst night to have a conscience
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
