It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
