I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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