I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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