Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
