Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize