i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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