im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
