I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize