wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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