Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
