: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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