The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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