Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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