I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
