the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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