i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
