Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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