Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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