I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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