Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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