Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
pray to the hookup gods
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
