When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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