how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
