So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
