my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
