he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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