Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
