He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
