She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
