Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
