i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
