Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
