I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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