Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
