i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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