your parents love me but you hate me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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