Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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