This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
